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Feb
05

Friday 5th February 2016

Hi, this is Leon’s Mummy.

Did you manage to catch up with everything that’s been going on?

I wanted to take a moment or two to share something with you.

Guilt!

It’s pretty much a done thing that you will feel some form of guilt during your years as a parent, that much goes without saying. The thing is, I’m not entirely sure that you are supposed to feel quite as much guilt as I do right now. Maybe I’m wrong! I’m sure there are thousands of Mummies out there who feel just as shit as I do on a daily basis, but it doesn’t make it okay. No. We shouldn’t feel like this. We spend every minute of our lives trying to ensure that our children get the best of everything, that they are given the love, help and support that they need and that they grow up to be happy healthy individuals. THIS is not something to feel guilty about. This is something to feel proud of ourselves for. The very fact that we strive so hard to give another human being the best we can, is ┬ásomething we should feel good about…so why oh why do I feel like a crap mum constantly. :(

The thing is, everything with Leon is a battle. We have a daily fight of over two hours every single morning attempting to get him dressed, fed, meds into him and then off to school. This is met with fighting, screaming, pleading, begging, crying and pretty much every other trick he can pull to tug on my heart strings. It’s exhausting and I’m wracked with guilt every single time.

Then if we do manage to get him into school successfully, there is usually a phonecall between 1,30 and 2,30pm to tell us that Leon has bumped his head. This is a big NONO for us, as his head is precious, after his surgery he has been left with lots of soft spots and bumps don’t go away like a ‘normal’ childs would. This also gives me copious amounts of guilt to deal with… If I had let him stay home, then maybe he wouldn’t have had that absence seizure and fallen.

On the way home, he pleads and cries for me to carry him, as his toes hurt (and lately his knee joints and hips do too). I can’t carry him as I have an old back injury thats flared up recently, and I also have Harriet and Beatrice to deal with. Amelia is great, she will carry bags and hold the girls hands when I do eventually try to carry him to the car, but it isn’t enough to make this journey a pleasant one. I then feel sad and yes you guessed it…guilty…that I am making him walk when he has clearly had a long day and is tired out.

Every bed time, I have to give him his meds again… They make his stools loose and it breaks my heart just a teeny bit more every time he says ‘But it makes my poo runny mummy.’

When he wakes in the night with yet another seizure, and I sit by his bed holding his hand and comforting him.. I should feel proud that I’m taking care of him right? No…I feel guilty…I feel like there must be more I can do to make his life better for him.

When strangers don’t understand him and I have to stop and sign to him, helping him and then explain to them that he is a little behind just now… Of course I’m proud of him that he has come so far since his surgery, but at the same time, there is guilt…guilt that I can’t move things on for him, make life easier.

So there you have it, and I could think of lots more instances where I’m overcome with guilt because my gorgeous little boy doesn’t have it easy but I won’t bore you with it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, It’s okay to feel a little bit like this, but you are not alone. My mantra has become ‘It will be fine!’ and anyone who knows me understands that I don’t like to complain or moan about our situation. I prefer to just get on with it, looking forward to each amazing day we have with our little man.

As long as he smiles. I’m good!

So, if you are struggling, be reassured that you are in fabulous company ;)